How To Choose A Fine Restaurant By Phone

We realize how difficult it must be to find a quality restaurant without having any direct recommendations to assist you. To aid those who would rather let their fingers do the walking, we propose the following system to insure you an evening of fine dining.

• Call and ask if they have an Early Bird: If they do hang up and never call that number again.
• Call and ask if they have a two for one special: If they do hang up.
• Call and ask if they have an open salad bar: If they reply “do you mean to the general public,”….hang up.
• Call and ask them if they have an extensive selection of wines. If they say “Yes, Red, White and the pink kind, by the glass or by the pitcher,” Hang up and change your phone carrier.
• Call and ask if they have a children’s menu, if they say “It’s on the place mat,” hang up.
• Call and ask if they take reservations. If they answer by laughing and the statement “Waddaya think we are Indians?” Hang up and then sterilize the phone.
• Call and ask what the house specialty is. If the answer is “Tuna Surprise,” Hang up and hope they do not have call back identification.
• Call and ask what their soup de jour is. If they tell you “Navy Bean,” stay calm, grit your teeth, count to ten and then drop the phone.
• Call and ask what the chef’s seafood specialty is. If they reply “fish,” hang up and consider yourself lucky.
• Call and ask what the dress code is. If the reply is “shirt and shoes and no exceptions,” hang up and tear that page out of the phone book.
• Call and ask if they have outdoor dining: If they reply “our drive through is open until 2 AM;” stay home and make soup.
• Call and ask if there is any entertainment. If they reply “free popcorn and you can throw the peanut shells on the floor,” Don’t say a word just hang up the phone and go wash your hands
• Call and ask if they have anything on the menu for vegetarians. If they reply “salad,” You got it… hang up.
• Call and ask if they have any low fat menu items. If they reply “wait and I’ll ask the cook.” Don’t say anything; you should not be using that kind of language: hang up.
• Call and ask if they use newspaper discount coupons: if the answer is yes, don’t despair, you probably do not read that paper anyway. And, oh yes, hang up.
• Call and ask where they are located: If the answer is “between lingerie and sporting goods and look for the blinking neon sign that says FINE FOOD”, it’s not for you. Place the phone in its cradle, then scream ….loudly.
• Call and ask where the chef was trained: If the answer is the On line Home Study Culinary Academy: Bail out now.

However, if your questions are answered by a loud click and a dial tone; call back and make a reservation, you’ve found one.